In the words of r.h. sin, “let it hurt then then it go.” This letter has been sitting in my drafts for what feels like forever. I waited for it to feel like a scar instead of a wound.
Two letters in two months – I feel like so much has changed and so much has been on my mind. Now that this is really the end, I want to leave Seattle knowing I left everything out on the table. So here it goes:
May 31st, 2017.
This last year has been hard for me, and I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. In the two years we’ve known each other, we’ve bounced around from close friends, to more, to strangers (when I blocked your number for 5 months), and now back to the infamous gray area. I think our time together is most accurately surmised with “it’s quite complicated.“
This is by far the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been in, which is really hard for me to name, own, and accept. Our relationship has brought out a lot of my deepest insecurities that I thought I had worked through. It was the cause of so many tears and yet you were the only person I wanted to comfort me. What the hell, brain.
I am by no means blaming that on you; I repeatedly put myself in this position, and as the saying goes – no one can treat you poorly without your consent. I think alcohol was the main root of most of our fights, and I cannot express enough how deeply it hurt me to see you choose a substance over me time and time again. I think you have so much potential, and your relationship with alcohol is holding you back from being the guy I initially fell for.
I think this past year with you has also been hard because I watched you go from doing any and everything for me, to now barely giving me the time of day. I know that my decisions and actions had a lot to do with that, especially choosing one of your best friends over you. I never meant to create a triangle, and I shouldn’t have put either of you in the position. If I could go back and fix it, I would.
As you know, I am incredibly feelings-based, and it’s been hard for me to accept that you don’t care for me the way you once did. I also don’t blame you. I have been so hot and cold, back and forth, in and out, and that wasn’t healthy for us either.
What I want you to take away from this novel is that I think I really did love you. I saw so many great qualities in you, and I know that you’ll find someone else amazing who brings out your best in a way I didn’t.
I am going to miss you so much. I also know this has to be our final goodbye. My love for you has been consuming, tumultuous, and exhausting. That’s not my love story. It’s not yours. And it’s not ours.
I care for you so deeply – I always will. Even though you won’t be in my life, you’ll be in my thoughts. I love you, and I want you to be happy – not Friday-Sunday happy, but all week, all month, all-year-kind-of-happiness. I guess this is goodbye and good luck – you have a kick ass future in store because you are one of the most resilient people I know. Thank you for being part of my life.