Why are there so many articles with titles like 15 signs he’s a fuck boy and 8 signs he’s cheating on you…..? Also, since when is ghosting a product of dating culture and not just Halloween? The dating world is baffling – here is my attempt at making sense of it.

Dating advice articles are common place for women and essentially unheard of for men. I think this is largely due to the fact that women have to balance a dichotomy of expectations, also known as double standards – in every facet of life – but specifically dating. Be available, but not too available. Be reserved, but not too reserved. Women are expected to play games, feign mystery, and be elusive if they want a guy to like them. To put it eloquently, WTF??!!?!?!

I guess the point I am trying to make is – women have the right to be badass warriors, and dating is no exception. Be bold, be direct, and be confident in who you are and what you want.

I hate that girls aren’t supposed to be direct with men – we aren’t supposed to let men know our honest feelings, we are supposed to be coy and make men chase us. Women are supposed to read hoax magazines and articles in order to decode men. If only dating were simple…

The guessing game extends past dating and into relationships – constantly wondering how our partner feels about us. Unfortunately, there is no foolproof guide. After being confronted by one of his friends, I once asked an ex-boyfriend point blank if he was cheating on me. He replied,  No, but we should break up. I did not understand at the time that his response essentially confirmed his infidelity. I hear he is still dating the girl he cheated on me with, and frankly, I am not mad. I always knew deep down that he was, but I was not strong enough to let him go at the time. I saw it but could not accept it. Honestly, I don’t think monogamy is part of human nature, but that’s another TED Talk. 

What I learned from that experience was that if you have even an inkling that he is a “fuck boy” ( P.S. where did that term come from??) or that he’s cheating on you, be direct with him, and when that proves mystifying as well, trust your gut. You’re better than your insecurities, and you deserve more than uncertainty. 

So next time you find yourself looking for an article to demystify your partner, please consider what you hope to gain from it, and how you can verbalize your concerns instead. After all, I have yet to hear of or be in a successful relationship that revolves around suspicion, deceit, and articles doing what conversation once did. 

At the end of the day, everyone is entitled to honesty. So ditch the articles – no one knows your relationships or your needs better than you.

 Also, can we just have a moment – since when the EFF is ghosting a thing????? Like do people have no shame?? I feel like every time I talk to a friend about a guy the conversation ends with “and then he just stopped talking to me.” I was baffled why it seemed like people have no decency.

And then it happened to me. I was shocked at how hurt my feelings were by someone I hardly knew. But then I realized that it is because ghosting is rejection in its purest form. Ghosting says “hey, I’m gonna disappear for reasons x, y, and z, but I don’t think you’re worth the time or effort to let you know that.

Sending a text to close the loops takes moments. Moments! Don’t say you don’t have time – everyone has time for things that matter to them. If you didn’t have time to go to the grocery store, would you just stop eating? No. You make time. So I guess what I’m hoping is the following:

Ghosters: Step up. Do better.

Also, treat people the way they want to be treated. Not how you want to be treated, not how your friends want to be treated, treat them how they specifically want to be treated. That means asking them. Also, just do better. If you wouldn’t want it happening to a beloved family member, don’t do it unto someone else. Chivalry may be dead, but don’t let decency be next.

Ghostees: A person’s silence can speak louder than their words.

Let your self-confidence be a symphony in comparison to your insecurities that have been cultivated by dating culture. Don’t be a victim to other people’s actions (or inaction) – take ownership and demand respect. Be adored or be gone – there is simply no time for anything else.

Advertisements