I never thought the letter would go like this.

December 29, 2014

I have had a lot on my mind since our last conversation, and as much as I want to talk to you about this all in person, I know that’s not a good idea. Plus what better way to end everything than with one final letter to add to your small library of literature from me (thought I’d mix it up and make this one electronic, mainly because it’s a novel and I don’t want carpel tunnel).

Not a day has gone by that you haven’t crossed my mind. A part of me, bigger than I want to admit, will always love you and miss you dearly. My heart is broken, but how could it not be. Your phone call caught me so off guard and was pretty insensitive. I felt like you made it all about you and did not take into consideration how hurtful it was for me. It all felt so surreal considering we had talked about winter break together 3 weeks prior. I’m still confused as to how we ended up on such different pages in such a short period of time. Regardless, I know I had a whole life before you and I will have a whole life after you. But where I am at right now, you still have my heart, and it really hurts.

I have learned so much about myself in these last six months. So much about you…so much about us. I had been toying around with the L word and you for a while…trying to figure out if I really did still love you. I remember the day we went paddle boarding just looking at you and thinking wow, I’ve never been so happy or felt so alive. But I realized that I’m not in love with you. I can’t be in love with someone who doesn’t care about me. I know that’s a bold statement, one that you would disagree with, but to an extent I really feel that it’s true. You know the effect you have on me and you just don’t seem to care. I couldn’t keep making you a priority when you made me an option.

This is the second time I have gone through this with you, and in a lot of ways, this time is very different. My life and stability are so much better, but it all still hurts the same. I’m not writing to make you feel guilty, I just need you to know everything. I have had over a month now to process everything, and there was so much I didn’t get to say to you on the phone that night. I think my biggest revelation has been that you are not the guy I loved two years ago. My favorite qualities in you aren’t there anymore, because that guy never would have handled this situation the way you did. Part of me moving on has been accepting that you are in a different place and moving in a different direction than I anticipated, and that’s okay.

This letter is a lot of push and pull, but that is because I am still genuinely conflicted; I want to be happy for you and who you’re with now, but I can’t help but be extremely hurt by your decision. I know you think I hate you, but I honestly don’t. You have had such a profound influence on my life these last 4 years, and I could never resent someone who was there for me the way you once were. I will never forget the JLo that spent his summer before college sitting on the couch with me, just being there. Through one of the hardest periods in my life, when all I wanted to do was be alone and self-destruct, you fought for me and helped me get through. I can never thank you enough for that.

You taught me the importance of strength, resilience, and independence, but I’m at the point now where I realize I have nothing left to gain from you. It makes me sad to think that your empathy, compassion, and selflessness seem to be pushed to the side. To be honest, I really don’t like the person you’re becoming. But I also didn’t like the person I was around you. I wasn’t at ease, I wasn’t confident, and I didn’t feel supported. Thinking about it now, we were always going to end like this. It was always going to be on your terms, because you were always going to be my first choice. For a while, I truly wanted us to end up together. I needed you to end it so that I could finally see there is no future. I know you wanted to end on good terms, but if we had, I always would have wondered what would happen and never fully let you go. Moving forward is extremely scary, I’m not going to lie. But I know it’s for the best. You were my first love, and I loved you more than you could ever imagine, but I know now that it is time to keep going.

I guess the biggest thing I want you to take away from this letter is that I forgive you. Even if you don’t feel sorry, or even if one day you look back and don’t forgive yourself. I don’t forgive you because I think your actions were justified or that you did the right thing. I forgive you because that is the only thing standing between me and moving forward. So I forgive you, and although I won’t forget the way you made me feel, I can accept that it was never your intent to hurt me the way you did. I wouldn’t wish this kind of heartbreak on anyone, especially twice. The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, and not only do you have to find the ones worth suffering for, but also know when their chapter in your story is over.

I truly wish you all the best,  and I know good things are coming your way. It’s crazy to think this is our last goodbye, but at the same time I’ve never felt better about my future without you. I am still waiting for the day that someone says JLo in reference to Jennifer Lopez and I don’t think about you. But from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know how important you were to me, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. Thank you for changing my life in ways I didn’t think possible. I am a better person for knowing and loving you.

 

 

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