I write letters frequently: to people I love, to people who leave, and to people who have made me think. I don’t always send the letter, but it still feels so good to write. This is one of those letters.
July 24, 2015.
I have had a bit now to process everything we talked about, and I reached my resolve, so here it is:
You said “it’s not you, it’s me”, and I do agree with that. I gave you my 100% and it wasn’t reciprocated. My wish for you is that you can move forward and away from whatever complex you have developed. As you noted, you have been pushing me away and you’ve been closed off. I felt like I was the rubber band to your metal; I was willing to move for you, but you weren’t willing to do the same for me. If I had to put a time stamp on it, I felt like we broke up after graduation. As you always advise my friends, if the guys cares, he’ll show you. And even after we talked about it and I expressed how hurtful your lack of action was, you still did nothing. I wanted to end things then, but it’s always hard for me to give up on people that I am invested in and see potential in. But that’s just it, after that I started dating your potential and not the guy who was in front of me. I kept hoping you would change, but that’s not my burden or responsibility. One thing that Julia said that I actually agreed with is that I can’t change you because you don’t want to be changed. I always felt like you looked down on me and thought I was immature, and it drove me crazy. You never acknowledged that you too have improvements to make, nor did you give me credit for the strong character I already have. I care about you a lot, as you know, and with that comes worrying about you. I don’t know how you came to be as jaded or close minded as you are, but as someone who came from a similar place and was willing to let it go, I hope that you can find a way to do the same. Not for me, not for anyone, but for yourself. Holding on to whatever is dragging you down is exhausting. You really challenged me to let you in and put down my walls, and once I did so, that’s when I really adored you.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming, but it still hurts just the same. That night I was extremely sad, but I woke up the next morning and realized it was for the best. I have always believed that timing is everything, and at the end of the day, we couldn’t have met at a more inopportune time. I learned a lot from you and our experience together, but I had been running on reserve for a while. I gave you all I could and I really wished it could’ve worked out. I’ve seen a stark change in you the last few months and it’s makes me sad that the spark in you seems deflated. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for you and please know that I wish you all the best.
I honestly wouldn’t change anything about our relationship. I got to know you in a way that I imagine few people have. You’re quirky, benevolent, and genuine. There is so much more to you than meets the eye . That said, I feel like I know you well enough to tell you that you are not the best version of yourself, and you haven’t been for a while. I do worry about you Conner, and I’m always here to help you or talk through things.
I guess my biggest thing I disagree with is that we are stagnant. I think it’s you that’s stagnant. Relationships take work, work that you weren’t willing to put in. After everything that Julia said to me, I gave you the opportunity to prove her wrong. And you proved her right and ultimately let me down.
I hate that I miss you and that I’m not over you. I know with time I’ll be fine and I honestly haven’t slowed down to truly let myself be sad. But it’s all catching up and I know I need to just face the feelings I still have. Maybe down the road we will be friends, but right now I still care so deeply and miss you quite a bit. When I told you I was trying to give you space, what I really meant was that I need space. To heal, to feel, and to move forward.